Angel numbers came into my awareness over and over, yet I can’t relax myself and even to fall sleep.
Yesterday was full moon, and we’re approaching to 22.2.2022. Many lightworkers and healers have been talking about this date, there is massive shift and seeding going to happen at the 22nd. So here I am, widely awake in the middle of the night, after having so much emotional turmoil a few days ago. Childhood trauma kicks in, and my whole body is angry & desperately sad. Sad because of feeling the tiredness that I felt since before I was born, how my nervous system has been stuck since then, and finding its way to express itself.
Honestly, I don’t know what to write over here, just an expression of myself while I am wide awake. Surrendering to the condition of being not sleepy, and honouring myself in this condition. As everything is temporary, so this wide awake condition is of course temporary right :)
Let me just let my thoughts flow in this space, shall we? :)
My mind wanders, while I was looking at my room’s ceiling, “It’s so interesting how people can miss someone so much, even though they rarely speak to one another, and there’s no desire to be close to this person as well. It’s so interesting how our soul connection is so strong.”
Then I wake up and opened this laptop, decided to just entertain myself til I’m sleepy.
So, another theory came into my head. The theory that — you complete yourself, you don’t need anyone to complete you. I reflect on this, and apparently missing someone doesn’t mean you want them to complete you. It’s just a sense of familiarity with this soul that you miss the most. Most probably, having deep soul connection with a human being is what I miss the most as well. From psychotherapy perspective, this means I want to have a deep connection with myself. This probably true, I haven’t been really listening to myself in my 33 years of my life. I just learned to understand myself better since 3 years ago, and it’s a whole new learning process for me. To accept my emotions, accept what my heart truly desire — even though it’s conflicting with what my family think is best for me, standing on my own ground and opinion. And lately, understanding what feels safe for me, not pushing my limits. Having boundaries.
Interestingly, the more I am intimate with myself, the more I create boundaries, try to find what gives me joy, a sense of happiness. Not pushing myself to be fully healed and have myself cry for days. Or maybe, the biggest crying session has passed, now it’s time to live with more peace, and make myself accustomed to it ? Introducing that sense of peace and harmony is available for my life, that it is safe.
At times, I question myself, am I shutting off myself? Am I being too slow? Am I being authentic with my feelings?
This is still a new practice for me, so I don’t have the definite answer yet, but all I feel at this moment is, this is the new way of healing, the new way of living my life. Which felt so nice :) Treated nicely by myself, no matter what people say :)